I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
