so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
