Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
