Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Randomize
