Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I still have a little drunk in my system
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
