it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
ttyl tear gas
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
