I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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