here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
My ATM looks so different sober.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
