i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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