he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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