'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
