You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
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