Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
