I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
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