everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
