Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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