why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
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Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
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fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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