I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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