Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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