the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
