I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Randomize
