I wanna bring you to show and tell
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
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