Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
