I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
