i jhust puked up my retainher.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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