a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
