Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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