Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Randomize
