Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
