I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
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I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
So... he formspringed me a link to every nude pic ive taken since he 8th grade. ive evolved nicely. but im nervous as to how this a website.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
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I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
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