At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
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