You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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