last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
