dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
