i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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