I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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