I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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