I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Randomize
