maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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