I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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