I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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