I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
