Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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