You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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