Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
