Michael Bay diarrhea
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Randomize
