Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
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he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
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Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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