The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
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