So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
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My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
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Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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