When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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