If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize
