So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
