You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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