You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
